You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Selfie
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.