Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.