I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing