I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Can. I. Help. You.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
IT’S-A ME,