We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Awwwww shit.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”