My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma