I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.