Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.