Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat