*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.