So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy