Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Seems a bit forward
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?