“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Ferrari squats
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.