Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄