Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Haha good job!!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Fries, not lies.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: