It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs