Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9