[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.