Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.