According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sing it!
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of