I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.