omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
You are not alone 💚
you will never know the true number of layers
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Proctology is located in A55
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Breaking news:
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.