one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.