[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”