oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though