My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me if I was a dog