The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.