North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana