Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Welcome to the stomach
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
🙂🙃🥹