“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree