I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
New mindset, who dis?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.