I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank