Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.