*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
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my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!