My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.