Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.