“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later