Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.