*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥