ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Straight people are cancelled
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.