“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
When you’re Kinky but poor
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]