I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
is it earth
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Just a friendly reminder!
So that’s what we looked like?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.