My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Cardio Made Easy
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.