The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.