Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
cats when you pet them too long:
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.