I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…