It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
the last thing a carrot sees
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.