how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal