Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it