My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?